End.

I wrote before about a love I had. A love that was blossoming and a love that made me feel more than I'd ever felt in my life. I obtained that love... and I ruined it. Through my own issues and lack of restraint, lack of ability to control myself, and lack of strength I offered betrayal after betrayal to someone who did nothing, but love me whole-heartedly. I sabotaged yet again, though this one caught me off guard. I spoke with other people, conversations that proposed sex and other things that should be reserved for your partner. I never wanted to do it. I don't know why I did it. I regret everything now. A part of me knows there were compatibility issues, a part of me knew that I was starting wonder if I just loved him deeply or if I was still IN love with him deeply. Instead of addressing these feelings head on I delivered a crippling, numbing blow to someone who did not deserve it in the least. And now here I am, a broken man, a bad man, and guilty of being a stain on someone so wonderful's life. There is no going back or fixing this. There is no rectifying it. My life now is a product of my choices and my inability to love him back the way he deserves. I may not ever be whole. Not because of this necessarily, but because of me as a being. Insecurities, lack of feeling like I'm enough... how did I still have these when he made it obvious he just wanted me? I felt so much pressure every day to be the kind of person he wanted me to be, needed me to be, and I know now I was never meant to be that man. I was just a lesson for him. And he is one for me. The kind that I'll think about from time to time with an ache in my heart and a newly learned perspective on what "ready" really means. Where I need to be to give myself so fully and so freely despite all the hardships that come with the territory. But can I be that person? I think of my mom and her life in the end. She was hurt and destroyed by someone like me. I love my mom so much and it hurts that I bear resemblance to her deepest hurt in life. He won't be alone in the end like my mom. He will find someone and he will be loved. I can't say the same for myself. Maybe I'm being dramatic, let's talk again in a year... For now I find myself removing my own shot at happiness once again. Pushing away the one thing I had kept asking for - someone who would keep trying to be close regardless of how much I push them away. Someone who chose to be near me despite the pain. I wish I weren't so radioactive. It's over. It's ended. I'm the cause and the blame. I am not worthy. I love you so much and I am so, so sorry. My only peace now is the thought of you enduring this and coming out the other side stronger, happier, and truly fulfilled. I don't deserve wants or needs or hopes, but that truly is my greatest wish. I'm sorry. I pray you forget me, but keep the lessons you've learned through this. I never want to be the cause of your pain, ever, ever again.