Depression

It's interesting to me how it can be so difficult to explain to someone how depression feels and why it's so important to understand what you are dealing with before offering help. Here is a good analogy that I feel does a good job of conveying the struggle and the reality of it's longevity and power. Many people with depression are positive, hopeful, and optimistic people and sometimes that can be enough. But depression is one hell of a beast and it can do a lot of damage in a short amount of time.

Getting to the analogy, for context someone prior had quoted the following:

"Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light."

The analogy for depression was replied as follows:

"But you can't get out of bed because it's dark. But then the sun rises, so you spend a long time talking yourself through the repairs, and then you finally did it! You fixed it. It works great for three days ... and then on the fourth day, breaks again. And then you spend two nights in the dark, hoping maybe it's a fluke.

On the third day you get up again, and fix it, maybe not while trying as hard. And then you go back to having a working switch for a few days, when it breaks yet AGAIN.
This time, you spend five days in the dark. You start to think that maybe you can't fix it. Then it consumes your thoughts, and you start to worry about it, so you can't sleep. You start to yell at the switch, you get mad, angry, you cry. And then you can hear the darkness taunting you. It starts to burrow a hole in your chest, and it hurts. Not a sharp pain, but this nagging, annoying, dull pain that is relentless. It needs to know that YOU know it's there. If you forget, it abruptly slaps you in the face. It'll pull your hair just when you've started to hold your head up. It chokes you when you've found your voice again. The darkness whispers how much of a looser you are, and asks you why you even bothered to try and fix your switch. You soon start to agree with the darkness, and start to wonder yourself why you bother.

Day in and day out, no matter what you try, you can't fix your switch. Some people inject some useless dribble. "Maybe you should just try to see better."
"Maybe you should just try to move to another place where a switch works."
"I hear if you paint your room and clean it everyday, you'll feel better, and so will your switch."
And then someone lights a candle for you. And you start to focus on that light and slowly beat the darkness back. You look at the light, and not the darkness. The pain in your chest subsides, and you decide to put your all into fixing your switch again. And finally ... You do it. It works. You work. Darkness gone!

But on the fourth day ..."

Of all places this was found on Reddit in a thread about uplifting quotes for difficult times. A bit of a buzz kill, but a reality that I thought may be interesting to people who would like to gain some understanding.

Alright ladies and gents. It looks like summer is over here in Vancity and it's gonna be a lot tougher to keep myself occupied. I'm doing alright, and I've gotten killer at keeping up appearances 9-5, so fives to that.

I've started to cook more, do things out on my own more, and I'm learning to enjoy solitude a bit more. I call it "Forever Alone" training. You can fight, and fight, and be positive, and dream of the day you won't be the way you are, or you can accept yourself and get a move on with life. It's been so long now and while I've definitely learned a lot about myself, and depression in general, I've also become painfully aware of my patterns. The toughest part is being able to predict how I'm going to mess things up and somehow still being unable to stop myself from doing it.

I know who and how I am. I know I ask too much of people. For a long time I thought I was doing everyone else a favour by not allowing them to get too close, but now I've realized I'm doing myself a favour as well. For all the hell I give people - I know they'll get over it, and more importantly, get the fuck over me. The real damage is the guilt I feel, and the knowledge that it's not the first time, nor will it be the last. I think I'm getting better at seeing where to draw the line with my relationships, and so long as I avoid crossing it I think it'll be just fine.

This isn't the solution for everyone, but I think I may have found the right path for me. Here goes nothing!

Epiphany

That moment when you realize you can't be fixed. That it will always continue and it will strike at the least opportune moments. New goal: squeeze every ounce of joy from those moments in between and hope that the hit doesn't come exactly when it shouldn't. Cause really, what can you do if it does? Nothing.

Circles

I'm aware of it now. The same cycles, falling into the same traps, feeling the same bad feelings, the same negative energy, the same pit in my stomach. It's not like I wasn't aware of it before, but lately it's like I'm viewing the issue through new eyes; understanding eyes. There is a clarity in the way I view the big picture and while it's not yet enough to overcome the problem I know deep down that self-awareness will ultimately unlock the chains. Taking that self-awareness and allowing myself to utilize that reflective knowledge to combat all the anxiety and hypotheticals that run through my head is the next step.

It's funny though how sometimes I find myself latching onto whatever is hurting me because getting over it means giving up on the potential for the resolution that ultimately my heart wants. Because of this my awareness of how invalid my concerns are is rendered useless - I know it's all in my mind, but I'd rather endure it than give up the possibility of my miracle. I know I'm being ridiculous, but I allow it and continue holding my breath.

So instead I continue the same loop. The roller coaster. I fall down, I ache, I sweep it under the rug, I "get over it" and eventually I rinse and repeat. I see it now, but I can't stop it yet. Even now a piece of me feels so confident that some day I will obtain what I'm so blindly pursuing, and yet I'm somehow accepting of the fact that I won't. There is a hint of peace amongst this repetitive chaos and maybe that's enough for now.

I hope one day someone can read this and relate to it. I hope they know that while my darkest days involve the idea of escape, there ARE lighter days. I'm not without hope, and I haven't lost the faith that I have for myself. I am a victim to an imbalance. A victim, but not a prisoner. The key is there, but it's a puzzle I've yet to solve. Key word is YET.

And it's back. It's weird. You're doing as decent and trying to keep the ball rolling and then you hear a knock at the door and your old friend comes for a visit. It will never be fully gone - I get that now. And I'm a tough cookie, I got a lot of heart, but I just don't know if I can play the game anymore. Everyone gets tired eventually, even a rock star like this guy right here.