Circles

I'm aware of it now. The same cycles, falling into the same traps, feeling the same bad feelings, the same negative energy, the same pit in my stomach. It's not like I wasn't aware of it before, but lately it's like I'm viewing the issue through new eyes; understanding eyes. There is a clarity in the way I view the big picture and while it's not yet enough to overcome the problem I know deep down that self-awareness will ultimately unlock the chains. Taking that self-awareness and allowing myself to utilize that reflective knowledge to combat all the anxiety and hypotheticals that run through my head is the next step.

It's funny though how sometimes I find myself latching onto whatever is hurting me because getting over it means giving up on the potential for the resolution that ultimately my heart wants. Because of this my awareness of how invalid my concerns are is rendered useless - I know it's all in my mind, but I'd rather endure it than give up the possibility of my miracle. I know I'm being ridiculous, but I allow it and continue holding my breath.

So instead I continue the same loop. The roller coaster. I fall down, I ache, I sweep it under the rug, I "get over it" and eventually I rinse and repeat. I see it now, but I can't stop it yet. Even now a piece of me feels so confident that some day I will obtain what I'm so blindly pursuing, and yet I'm somehow accepting of the fact that I won't. There is a hint of peace amongst this repetitive chaos and maybe that's enough for now.

I hope one day someone can read this and relate to it. I hope they know that while my darkest days involve the idea of escape, there ARE lighter days. I'm not without hope, and I haven't lost the faith that I have for myself. I am a victim to an imbalance. A victim, but not a prisoner. The key is there, but it's a puzzle I've yet to solve. Key word is YET.