Being away is nice. Having something to focus on is also nice. The Tough Mudder gives me both of these things and that is what will most likely keep me coming back year after year.
Lately I've been debating the idea of really "getting away". No, I'm not suicidal, I'm talking a change of scenery, and pace. I've been at odds with myself over whether taking the opportunity to get up and out of the regular routine and really shaking things up would be considered a needed breath of fresh air or taking the easy way out. I recently said that I believe everyone has to do what's good for them; whether or not it makes sense to everyone else, and regardless of if it is tough to do. I argue that I truly need and would benefit from the fresh start, but internally I wonder if "what's good for me" is actually trying to talk things out with someone rather than try to put it all behind me. God knows the one thing I just cannot do is talk about my feelings and all that mushy stuff.
Someone once said to me that they don't always try to stay positive through hard times, but instead they try to be strong. As someone who always purposely tried to be positive this really resonated. To me this means accepting that there is something wrong and choosing not to let it take you down; in the past I've always downplayed the affect things had on me and I think I'm paying for it now. So do I allow myself a blank slate or do I try to clean up the mess? What if I just don't want to have to worry about being strong anymore? What if the problem is me?
The other day I nonchalantly (and I mean nonchalantly considering this type of info) confided in my sister that I feel as if I have some deeply rooted anxiety. Anyone who knows me well enough can already attest to this being a gigantic step for me. I hate the idea of people seeing through my front: happy-go-lucky at best and stoic at worst. In fact, as soon as I am aware I've spilled too much to someone I typically tuck tail and avoid any one on one time with them, thus the idea that I need to grow a pair and just spill my guts to someone and learn to trust.
On the other side of the coin I know where a lot of my anxiety comes from. Nobody has necessarily done anything to me purposely, or intentionally caused this. The unfortunate thing is there are certain situations, scenarios, and people who trigger it at home and at work to the point that I do not like who I am when I encounter them. At this point I truly believe I will find some peace by forcing myself into new surroundings and rebuilding myself.
I guess I already know the answer to my question. Unfortunately for me a new start, or at least some time away is really all I am capable of at this point. One day I'll find someone with whom I feel comfortable enough with to share the whole story with until then I will always fight to be strong, and happy, and good. It's not a lie when I say I love my life- I'm far from a pessimist. I'm just human and a pretty messed up one at that. (Aren't we all?) Rest assured, I have all the faith in the world that this head of mine will stop spinning at some point in my life!
Because I'm awesome, remember? ;)
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