I think lately I've been trying too hard. Trying too hard to express myself, to get what I want/need (or more accurately what I feel I deserve to want/need) from people, and with that amount of effort comes a certain degree of expectation. In this world there is no true obligation; on my part or anyone else's. This Beatles song has given me a kind of peace because of the bitter sweet message in its lyrics. It's not hidden, there's no reading between the lines, Paul McCartney actually says it pretty clearly:

"There will be an answer, Let It Be."

I don't think the answer comes from anywhere in particular. I don't even think there's necessarily a concrete "answer". Live your life, be good to people, and when you're stuck in a rut remember to just keep swimming. Let it be.

Who's awesome? You're awesome.

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind had something special with their magical "make me forget" machine. How easy would it make things if you could just pay someone to remove something, or someone from your brain? Instant relief from whatever pain it, or they, are causing you; not to mention without any of those memories you would be hard pressed to even regret your decision to have them removed.

But the world doesn't work that way. Instead, you have to man up to things or let them take over. You have to learn to move on or learn to acknowledge and accept. Unfortunately with an over-analytical brain and maybe someone on your mind it seems like a task that feels anything but possible. The truth is nothing is impossible, but there are definitely factors that will contribute to the difficulty.

So what's the secret?

"Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind."

"Fall down seven times stand up eight."

"There's only one thing you need to know about life: it goes on."

There are a million motivational quotes out there that claim to be the key to restoring the balance. However, the truth is these quotes are so idealistic that it almost makes you wanna puke. I try to be a glass half full kinda guy, but there comes a time where the mess in my brain and the pain in my chest gets the better of me. So what do I do?

My friends, the only thing that has ever truly worked for me as far as combating the self-loathing is diverting my focus onto others. I know I'm not as wonderful as I jokingly brag about all the time, but I do know that many of the people in my life are. If I can get someone believe in themselves half as much as I do, that's kinda a big deal. If I can help someone defeat one of their demons I sleep easier. It's almost like it gives me confirmation that it can happen, and maybe sometime I'll be able to do the same.

Ironically I guess my tendency to be selfless stems from selfish reasoning. Maybe after doing all this good the powers that be will decide I deserve something. I mean, truly, I have a great life with great friends, but this head of mine has a bit of a defect I think and if I earn enough karma points maybe I can get it fixed. Who knows? Of that I can't be sure, but it's worth a shot.

What a messy post, but hopefully you get the drift :)

Should I stay or should I go?

Being away is nice. Having something to focus on is also nice. The Tough Mudder gives me both of these things and that is what will most likely keep me coming back year after year.

Lately I've been debating the idea of really "getting away". No, I'm not suicidal, I'm talking a change of scenery, and pace. I've been at odds with myself over whether taking the opportunity to get up and out of the regular routine and really shaking things up would be considered a needed breath of fresh air or taking the easy way out. I recently said that I believe everyone has to do what's good for them; whether or not it makes sense to everyone else, and regardless of if it is tough to do. I argue that I truly need and would benefit from the fresh start, but internally I wonder if "what's good for me" is actually trying to talk things out with someone rather than try to put it all behind me. God knows the one thing I just cannot do is talk about my feelings and all that mushy stuff.

Someone once said to me that they don't always try to stay positive through hard times, but instead they try to be strong. As someone who always purposely tried to be positive this really resonated. To me this means accepting that there is something wrong and choosing not to let it take you down; in the past I've always downplayed the affect things had on me and I think I'm paying for it now. So do I  allow myself a blank slate or do I try to clean up the mess? What if I just don't want to have to worry about being strong anymore? What if the problem is me?

The other day I nonchalantly (and I mean nonchalantly considering this type of info) confided in my sister that I feel as if I have some deeply rooted anxiety. Anyone who knows me well enough can already attest to this being a gigantic step for me. I hate the idea of people seeing through my front: happy-go-lucky at best and stoic at worst. In fact, as soon as I am aware I've spilled too much to someone I typically tuck tail and avoid any one on one time with them, thus the idea that I need to grow a pair and just spill my guts to someone and learn to trust.

On the other side of the coin I know where a lot of my anxiety comes from. Nobody has necessarily done anything to me purposely, or intentionally caused this. The unfortunate thing is there are certain situations, scenarios, and people who trigger it at home and at work to the point that I do not like who I am when I encounter them. At this point I truly believe I will find some peace by forcing myself into new surroundings and rebuilding myself.

I guess I already know the answer to my question. Unfortunately for me a new start, or at least some time away is really all I am capable of at this point. One day I'll find someone with whom I feel comfortable enough with to share the whole story with until then I will always fight to be strong, and happy, and good. It's not a lie when I say I love my life- I'm far from a pessimist. I'm just human and a pretty messed up one at that. (Aren't we all?) Rest assured, I have all the faith in the world that this head of mine will stop spinning at some point in my life!

Because I'm awesome, remember? ;)

“We are all a little weird and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.” ― Dr. Seuss

That, my friends, is the dream.