Sigh

2023 you sucked. 2024 youre already worse. I engaged with 988 for the first time today.

End.

I wrote before about a love I had. A love that was blossoming and a love that made me feel more than I'd ever felt in my life. I obtained that love... and I ruined it. Through my own issues and lack of restraint, lack of ability to control myself, and lack of strength I offered betrayal after betrayal to someone who did nothing, but love me whole-heartedly. I sabotaged yet again, though this one caught me off guard. I spoke with other people, conversations that proposed sex and other things that should be reserved for your partner. I never wanted to do it. I don't know why I did it. I regret everything now. A part of me knows there were compatibility issues, a part of me knew that I was starting wonder if I just loved him deeply or if I was still IN love with him deeply. Instead of addressing these feelings head on I delivered a crippling, numbing blow to someone who did not deserve it in the least. And now here I am, a broken man, a bad man, and guilty of being a stain on someone so wonderful's life. There is no going back or fixing this. There is no rectifying it. My life now is a product of my choices and my inability to love him back the way he deserves. I may not ever be whole. Not because of this necessarily, but because of me as a being. Insecurities, lack of feeling like I'm enough... how did I still have these when he made it obvious he just wanted me? I felt so much pressure every day to be the kind of person he wanted me to be, needed me to be, and I know now I was never meant to be that man. I was just a lesson for him. And he is one for me. The kind that I'll think about from time to time with an ache in my heart and a newly learned perspective on what "ready" really means. Where I need to be to give myself so fully and so freely despite all the hardships that come with the territory. But can I be that person? I think of my mom and her life in the end. She was hurt and destroyed by someone like me. I love my mom so much and it hurts that I bear resemblance to her deepest hurt in life. He won't be alone in the end like my mom. He will find someone and he will be loved. I can't say the same for myself. Maybe I'm being dramatic, let's talk again in a year... For now I find myself removing my own shot at happiness once again. Pushing away the one thing I had kept asking for - someone who would keep trying to be close regardless of how much I push them away. Someone who chose to be near me despite the pain. I wish I weren't so radioactive. It's over. It's ended. I'm the cause and the blame. I am not worthy. I love you so much and I am so, so sorry. My only peace now is the thought of you enduring this and coming out the other side stronger, happier, and truly fulfilled. I don't deserve wants or needs or hopes, but that truly is my greatest wish. I'm sorry. I pray you forget me, but keep the lessons you've learned through this. I never want to be the cause of your pain, ever, ever again.

Mi casa su casa

My mantra of “let it be” has been put intensely to work during the past few weeks. I’m so used to being a fighter and shaking the tree for exactly for what I wanT from it, but I‘ve happened upon a situation where the best possible course of action is to simply allow the leaves to fall as they will and lay where they fall. Part of me is scared to death of not trying harder, but the other half of me knows that for once I hold no answers. I am a potential solution and not necessarily the right one. I hold no cards, just a promise I am ready. Dealing with this is tough. So many beautiful things have happened in my life lately and the idea of closing my eyes and letting everyone else in the world decide is equally freeing as it is terrifying. I know in the end it all works out. I know how strong I am. But damn if it wouldn’t just be the greatest thing to happen to me if it all went my way. But the point here is more than just my wishes. It’s about understanding the fact that I may not be what is wished for. It’s about learning how to do right by someone I care so much about and surviving what could be a difficult situation and becoming better for it. I am who I say I am and I care as much as I say I do. For both of our sakes I will not tamper with the situation. I will not impose my will. I’ll just be, and I’ll just let it be. And in the end we both win. I know there’s a light waiting for us, a torch we will both hold together, however it may be, come what may.

Temporary

Recently I’ve come to understand the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Obviously you can’t have the second without the first, but that doesn’t mean they always work in harmonay with each other. Depending on the circumstances it can actually be quite the contrary. Loving someone drives me to make sacrifices for the better of that person. To want to see them happy. To help them make all of the hard decisions that they need to make, even if it’s not ideal for me. When you’re in love all of that still exists, but this extra layer basically works against this logic. You dream and hope and wish and want and it can hurt really bad when you take the time to acknowledge that these truly are nothing but dreams, hopes, and wishes. I am in a situation where I know I am temporary. Where I feel something for someone and we’ve both established that while they care about me a lot, they are already in love with someone else. Complicated, I know, and definitely not the best position for me to be in, but I’ve never really felt this way - not to this magnitude - and I can’t help, but want to cherish and soak in every last fucking second I can get because it’s just really, really nice to pretend even just for moments at a time that we’re both in love and it’s just us. I’m in over my head. But the reality is just that simple. I am temporary. And I tell myself this, and remind myself of this, and in the end I still always believe that this temporary time spent together is worth it. I just know it’s going to hurt really bad when it’s over. What happens then? I know what is ideal for them. Ideal is I’m still around, as a best friend. I want to be able to do it, but is it seriously possible to be this in love with someone and be around them all the time watching them be in love with someone else? The thought terrifies me, like some twisted joke life decided to play on me. I’ve finally been able to open myself and my heart up in such a way after over a decade of locking away feelings to preserve myself and it had to be like this. The heart wants what the heart wants though I guess, at least that’s what they say. It hurts knowing it’ll never be. It hurts knowing I’m not enough. But hopefully one day I’ll feel this again for someone. And whoever that someone is - they’ll just want me and nobody else. I won’t be temporary anymore.

Why am I not enough?

Unshakable

Things are going well, but I’m feeling it again. It’s like that analogy of the light switch you keep fixing that always eventually breaks again. I can’t shake it - the feeling of being in over my head or absolutely helpless. I feel like it’s becoming so difficult to keep things silent. About how I feel, how I’ve been feeling, the constant swirl in my head, the confusion, the pit. In my stomach, the intangible ache, all of it. The work of keeping up appearances is makin me numb. I’m screaming from the inside for someone to talk to, but paralyzed by the fear of actually doing it - especially with someone whom I don’t wish to lose. It’s a huge challenge and when left alone for too long I begin to realie just how large it is. I start to think about it and it eats away at me. When I’m busy I am ignore it. I keep thinking about how I take on too much and I wish I could just drop it all - everything extra in my life, all the special commitments I sign myself up for, but I’m now realizing why I’m so drawn to them. I need to fill my time and be distracted. If I can’t shake this maybe I can dilute it with everything else I force myself to have to think about. I am seriously hurting though and this is bad. I need to be able to be okay with just myself. I need to learn to be fine and not let my thoughts go somewhere dark anytime I’m on my own. I can’t bring myself to seek help and yet I need it so desperately. I am making bad decisions and not doing what I’m supposed to and I don’t know how I can be so conscious of it and still irresponsible about it. I want this strange, just-below-the-surface feeling to go away. It’s like it starts in my head and then washes over my body. Like I’m drowning, as cliche as that may sound. I’m feeling hopeless at the moment. And I can’t solve this one. I am unhappy.

Vertigo

I'm worried. I'm happy, I am in a good place, I shouldn't have anything to complain about, and yet I'm worried. It's getting harder to compete with that feeling inside that makes your chest tight and your breaths short. I can feel the heat behind my eyes and the emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I'm worried because I fantasize more about being gone. The circumstances in which it happens, the endless possibilities of scenarios that would result in me finding peace and quiet. To make these feelings go away and make the full ache that eats away at me go away. I have more than I need in theory, and none of what I need in reality. I can't ask for more, let alone what I want. I am fully aware that I am the type of person who either suffers alone or brings everyone crashing down with me. I am incapable of accepting what has always been proven to be temporary love, or obligated love. I read between lines and find out every time someone dicusses me with others. I can't handle that and I retaliate for what feels like betrayal. I am no good and I cannot get better. My future is lonely. So lonely it hurts so bad and yet I can't figure out how to stop myself from creating it. I need to go away. I teeter so often between safety and the edge that it's given me vertigo. Caught between the fear of falling and the desire to jump. I would be missed temporarily, just like I'm loved temporarily. I'm getting so freaking tired.