Mi casa su casa

My mantra of “let it be” has been put intensely to work during the past few weeks. I’m so used to being a fighter and shaking the tree for exactly for what I wanT from it, but I‘ve happened upon a situation where the best possible course of action is to simply allow the leaves to fall as they will and lay where they fall. Part of me is scared to death of not trying harder, but the other half of me knows that for once I hold no answers. I am a potential solution and not necessarily the right one. I hold no cards, just a promise I am ready. Dealing with this is tough. So many beautiful things have happened in my life lately and the idea of closing my eyes and letting everyone else in the world decide is equally freeing as it is terrifying. I know in the end it all works out. I know how strong I am. But damn if it wouldn’t just be the greatest thing to happen to me if it all went my way. But the point here is more than just my wishes. It’s about understanding the fact that I may not be what is wished for. It’s about learning how to do right by someone I care so much about and surviving what could be a difficult situation and becoming better for it. I am who I say I am and I care as much as I say I do. For both of our sakes I will not tamper with the situation. I will not impose my will. I’ll just be, and I’ll just let it be. And in the end we both win. I know there’s a light waiting for us, a torch we will both hold together, however it may be, come what may.

Temporary

Recently I’ve come to understand the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Obviously you can’t have the second without the first, but that doesn’t mean they always work in harmonay with each other. Depending on the circumstances it can actually be quite the contrary. Loving someone drives me to make sacrifices for the better of that person. To want to see them happy. To help them make all of the hard decisions that they need to make, even if it’s not ideal for me. When you’re in love all of that still exists, but this extra layer basically works against this logic. You dream and hope and wish and want and it can hurt really bad when you take the time to acknowledge that these truly are nothing but dreams, hopes, and wishes. I am in a situation where I know I am temporary. Where I feel something for someone and we’ve both established that while they care about me a lot, they are already in love with someone else. Complicated, I know, and definitely not the best position for me to be in, but I’ve never really felt this way - not to this magnitude - and I can’t help, but want to cherish and soak in every last fucking second I can get because it’s just really, really nice to pretend even just for moments at a time that we’re both in love and it’s just us. I’m in over my head. But the reality is just that simple. I am temporary. And I tell myself this, and remind myself of this, and in the end I still always believe that this temporary time spent together is worth it. I just know it’s going to hurt really bad when it’s over. What happens then? I know what is ideal for them. Ideal is I’m still around, as a best friend. I want to be able to do it, but is it seriously possible to be this in love with someone and be around them all the time watching them be in love with someone else? The thought terrifies me, like some twisted joke life decided to play on me. I’ve finally been able to open myself and my heart up in such a way after over a decade of locking away feelings to preserve myself and it had to be like this. The heart wants what the heart wants though I guess, at least that’s what they say. It hurts knowing it’ll never be. It hurts knowing I’m not enough. But hopefully one day I’ll feel this again for someone. And whoever that someone is - they’ll just want me and nobody else. I won’t be temporary anymore.

Why am I not enough?