Yesterday I was hit with the harsh reality, gravity and  consequence of being pushed past one's limit. I lost someone very dear to me, someone with whom I've both shares ups and downs with and had ups and downs with. Over the past 24 hours sorrow, guilt, and fear took hold of me and damn did they grip hard.

Sorrow:
She was a friend. A good friend. We've been through trying situations with each other and we've shared much with each other that we couldn't share with others. We understood each other and we respected eachother for our battles. To lose someone like this in your life is to lose a piece of the puzzle. To see the light grow slightly more dim. Beyond this she was a wonderful being, so full of passion and heart and light. There was something so true and so genuine about her that it inspired me. Sorrow is the only word to describe this feeling of loss.

Guilt:
Because of our relationship she had reached out to me a few days prior to her departure. What began with my genuine need yield her through her difficult time quickly escalated to me trying fully not to panic and what in the moment felt like saving her life. As our conversation went on I began to fully understand the point at which she stood. She had hit her wall again, but no longer could she find the ladder over it. I threw a rope with everything I had in me compressed into its threads. I thought it had been strong enough, but maybe I could have done more. The guilt was unbearable. I'm sorry.

Fear:
We were one and the same. Two fish in the same pond and it frightened me. Depressions and anxiety are more fearsome than any fairy tale monster. The pain is not always tangible and the ache exists beyond the realm of description. Have I hit my wall before? Yes. I've always found my ladder. Until that night so had she. What changed? Can the same happen to me? Will it? There is no greater fear than knowing what may become of you and knowing that in that moment all control you thought you had, all the fight you thought you had is forfeit.

What have I learned from all of this? Sorrow is the only one of the three that I did not create for myself. The guilt and the fear are my products, manufactured solely within myself. The grieving process is tiresome, but enlightening. You bring questions to the table when you start and you begin to answer them yourself towards the end.

Where am I now? In a state of recognition for the beauty of life. I am thankful for what I have and am thankful for the excitement that exists for tomorrow and the day after and the day after that. My ladder is still there and stronger than ever. My conscience is clear. My heart still feels the hurt and the sorrow, but that's ok. I lost a good one. We all did.

Rest in peace, Eliot. You gave me more than you could possibly know and I know we will see eachother again.