Unshakable

Things are going well, but I’m feeling it again. It’s like that analogy of the light switch you keep fixing that always eventually breaks again. I can’t shake it - the feeling of being in over my head or absolutely helpless. I feel like it’s becoming so difficult to keep things silent. About how I feel, how I’ve been feeling, the constant swirl in my head, the confusion, the pit. In my stomach, the intangible ache, all of it. The work of keeping up appearances is makin me numb. I’m screaming from the inside for someone to talk to, but paralyzed by the fear of actually doing it - especially with someone whom I don’t wish to lose. It’s a huge challenge and when left alone for too long I begin to realie just how large it is. I start to think about it and it eats away at me. When I’m busy I am ignore it. I keep thinking about how I take on too much and I wish I could just drop it all - everything extra in my life, all the special commitments I sign myself up for, but I’m now realizing why I’m so drawn to them. I need to fill my time and be distracted. If I can’t shake this maybe I can dilute it with everything else I force myself to have to think about. I am seriously hurting though and this is bad. I need to be able to be okay with just myself. I need to learn to be fine and not let my thoughts go somewhere dark anytime I’m on my own. I can’t bring myself to seek help and yet I need it so desperately. I am making bad decisions and not doing what I’m supposed to and I don’t know how I can be so conscious of it and still irresponsible about it. I want this strange, just-below-the-surface feeling to go away. It’s like it starts in my head and then washes over my body. Like I’m drowning, as cliche as that may sound. I’m feeling hopeless at the moment. And I can’t solve this one. I am unhappy.