Vertigo

I'm worried. I'm happy, I am in a good place, I shouldn't have anything to complain about, and yet I'm worried. It's getting harder to compete with that feeling inside that makes your chest tight and your breaths short. I can feel the heat behind my eyes and the emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I'm worried because I fantasize more about being gone. The circumstances in which it happens, the endless possibilities of scenarios that would result in me finding peace and quiet. To make these feelings go away and make the full ache that eats away at me go away. I have more than I need in theory, and none of what I need in reality. I can't ask for more, let alone what I want. I am fully aware that I am the type of person who either suffers alone or brings everyone crashing down with me. I am incapable of accepting what has always been proven to be temporary love, or obligated love. I read between lines and find out every time someone dicusses me with others. I can't handle that and I retaliate for what feels like betrayal. I am no good and I cannot get better. My future is lonely. So lonely it hurts so bad and yet I can't figure out how to stop myself from creating it. I need to go away. I teeter so often between safety and the edge that it's given me vertigo. Caught between the fear of falling and the desire to jump. I would be missed temporarily, just like I'm loved temporarily. I'm getting so freaking tired.