WHY.

The time between the moments

It's not hard to find happiness, it's hard to hold onto it. Moments feel great, but the time in between? A toss up. Those moments are amazing and beautiful and special and so so so worth it, but it's such a strange sensation to have even a mere 24 hours feel so broken up into pieces; so disjointed. A series of these moments followed by the spaces between. I can live in the moments though. I don't worry about when it will end or go away. At the time I am living, breathing, and soaking in the moment. It can be 30 seconds, or a whole day. ThE moments with the people I love and care about - whether we're doing something significant or shooting the shit. Maybe it's one joke that cracked us up, or an hour or two of great conversation. While it's happening, while I'm in it, I'm so happy. The time in between the moments can be null or it can hurt. It can be filled with paranoia, concern, the fear of losing these people and the fear of it being my fault. Pain lives between these moments - it wraps itself around me and crushes me; distorts me until I'm someone else. I am defensive, I am angry, I am quiet, I am gone. The time between the moments scares me. I know I'll do something stupid there. My anxiety will take control, my desire to sabotage things purposefully before I see people walk away because of how fucking sad and emo I can be. How defensive I get when I don't want them to pry and how utterly alone I feel when they don't seem to want to really try. How do you juggle this? I'm strong I know it I'm amazingly strong, but it's just crippling. I can't be who I want to be and I can't be a real friend to the people I care about and I can't accept real, raw, no questions asked friendship from anyone because I can't bring myself to believe anyone could love me enough to bare with me through my bad times over and over again. It's all because of these stupid fucking times between the moments.