Unshakable

Things are going well, but I’m feeling it again. It’s like that analogy of the light switch you keep fixing that always eventually breaks again. I can’t shake it - the feeling of being in over my head or absolutely helpless. I feel like it’s becoming so difficult to keep things silent. About how I feel, how I’ve been feeling, the constant swirl in my head, the confusion, the pit. In my stomach, the intangible ache, all of it. The work of keeping up appearances is makin me numb. I’m screaming from the inside for someone to talk to, but paralyzed by the fear of actually doing it - especially with someone whom I don’t wish to lose. It’s a huge challenge and when left alone for too long I begin to realie just how large it is. I start to think about it and it eats away at me. When I’m busy I am ignore it. I keep thinking about how I take on too much and I wish I could just drop it all - everything extra in my life, all the special commitments I sign myself up for, but I’m now realizing why I’m so drawn to them. I need to fill my time and be distracted. If I can’t shake this maybe I can dilute it with everything else I force myself to have to think about. I am seriously hurting though and this is bad. I need to be able to be okay with just myself. I need to learn to be fine and not let my thoughts go somewhere dark anytime I’m on my own. I can’t bring myself to seek help and yet I need it so desperately. I am making bad decisions and not doing what I’m supposed to and I don’t know how I can be so conscious of it and still irresponsible about it. I want this strange, just-below-the-surface feeling to go away. It’s like it starts in my head and then washes over my body. Like I’m drowning, as cliche as that may sound. I’m feeling hopeless at the moment. And I can’t solve this one. I am unhappy.

Vertigo

I'm worried. I'm happy, I am in a good place, I shouldn't have anything to complain about, and yet I'm worried. It's getting harder to compete with that feeling inside that makes your chest tight and your breaths short. I can feel the heat behind my eyes and the emptiness in the pit of my stomach. I'm worried because I fantasize more about being gone. The circumstances in which it happens, the endless possibilities of scenarios that would result in me finding peace and quiet. To make these feelings go away and make the full ache that eats away at me go away. I have more than I need in theory, and none of what I need in reality. I can't ask for more, let alone what I want. I am fully aware that I am the type of person who either suffers alone or brings everyone crashing down with me. I am incapable of accepting what has always been proven to be temporary love, or obligated love. I read between lines and find out every time someone dicusses me with others. I can't handle that and I retaliate for what feels like betrayal. I am no good and I cannot get better. My future is lonely. So lonely it hurts so bad and yet I can't figure out how to stop myself from creating it. I need to go away. I teeter so often between safety and the edge that it's given me vertigo. Caught between the fear of falling and the desire to jump. I would be missed temporarily, just like I'm loved temporarily. I'm getting so freaking tired.

WHY.

The time between the moments

It's not hard to find happiness, it's hard to hold onto it. Moments feel great, but the time in between? A toss up. Those moments are amazing and beautiful and special and so so so worth it, but it's such a strange sensation to have even a mere 24 hours feel so broken up into pieces; so disjointed. A series of these moments followed by the spaces between. I can live in the moments though. I don't worry about when it will end or go away. At the time I am living, breathing, and soaking in the moment. It can be 30 seconds, or a whole day. ThE moments with the people I love and care about - whether we're doing something significant or shooting the shit. Maybe it's one joke that cracked us up, or an hour or two of great conversation. While it's happening, while I'm in it, I'm so happy. The time in between the moments can be null or it can hurt. It can be filled with paranoia, concern, the fear of losing these people and the fear of it being my fault. Pain lives between these moments - it wraps itself around me and crushes me; distorts me until I'm someone else. I am defensive, I am angry, I am quiet, I am gone. The time between the moments scares me. I know I'll do something stupid there. My anxiety will take control, my desire to sabotage things purposefully before I see people walk away because of how fucking sad and emo I can be. How defensive I get when I don't want them to pry and how utterly alone I feel when they don't seem to want to really try. How do you juggle this? I'm strong I know it I'm amazingly strong, but it's just crippling. I can't be who I want to be and I can't be a real friend to the people I care about and I can't accept real, raw, no questions asked friendship from anyone because I can't bring myself to believe anyone could love me enough to bare with me through my bad times over and over again. It's all because of these stupid fucking times between the moments.