To say I have issues would be to beat a dead horse at this point so we'll skip that and jump right to it. I am literally a textbook example of defence mechanisms. I just cannot find enough security to allow too close of a bond between myself and literally anyone. I even keep my best friend at arms length though I'd never admit that to her. Once I feel like people are too close I have to find a way to cut the rope, and it's like watching myself do something stupid in third person every time. Like I'm not me, but someone else watching through my own skull.
Eventually I will try to explain myself in an abstract way and hope they get the picture. Or I'll do it sarcastically and then negate any pursuit of clarification or understanding of the "why". Maybe because at this point the why is lost to me. Maybe after all this time I can still list off 100 reasons why I'm a rotting mess, but I no longer feel like that list justifies my actions.
I have a lot going for me. I know in theory everything is good. I can't, however get that one part of my brain to stay on that same page and sitting here on the balcony of an air bnb in Tokyo, NOW is when I truly realize and understand how Eliot felt her last few days. How every piece of the puzzle can be there but it feels like solving it is impossible. How feelings outweigh facts and how true, uninterrupted peace is scary and uncertain, but at the same time the strongest temptation.
It seems like a small thing. Like the situation with my friends can be easily resolved, but I don't feel that the weight that this type of thing has on me can really be explained or understood fully. Eliot was the only one who could genuinely understand and I've lost that outlet.
I'm sorry to everyone who I've told I would talk to when it gets bad. The thought of you knowing and not being able to understand is, to be frank, terrifying. I'm sorry I said I promise to go to you when I'm feeling like this, but if I don't feel you will perceive it the way I need you to the uncertainty and fear of how you will think of me afterwards will do severely more damage.
But my resolve is strong. My defence mechanisms at the very least offer me the mental shelter equivalent of a blanket fort, and for now that's enough to get me by. I am a victim of myself and have no one to blame. No one should be hurt by this other than me. No one should bear this sleepless, mind boggling, negative sack of shit torch but me. I guess it's good that I'm not afraid of fire.
